One of the hardest parts of divorce for many parents isn’t only navigating the end of the relationship. It’s worrying about what the change will mean for your children.
You may find yourself wondering whether you’re doing enough, whether your child is okay, or whether there’s some way to make the transition easier for them.
You may also be trying to manage your own grief, sadness, anger, guilt, relief, or anxiety while figuring out how to support your child through theirs.
You can’t make divorce completely painless for your child. Divorce is a significant change, and children may have complicated feelings about what’s happening.
You can, however, help create a sense of stability while your family is changing.
Stability doesn’t have to mean that nothing changes.
In fact, a lot may change during and after a divorce: where your child lives, their schedule, their routines, their parents’ relationship, or perhaps even their school or community.
What can remain stable is the experience of having parents who continue to show up, predictable routines and expectations, space to have difficult feelings, and the reassurance that they don’t have to take care of the adults around them.
What Stability Means for a Child During Divorce
When parents think about creating stability for their children, they sometimes imagine keeping everything the same as much as possible.
That can be difficult to do during a divorce.
There may be two homes instead of one. There may be a new schedule or new school. Your child may be moving between households or adjusting to spending different amounts of time with each parent.
Stability doesn’t require that everything remains the same.
Instead, children often find transitions easier when they have a sense of what to expect and know that the adults around them are going to continue to be there for them.
Predictable routines, consistent expectations, emotional availability, and reduced exposure to parental conflict can all help children adjust to the changes happening around them.
This might mean keeping bedtime relatively consistent, maintaining school and extracurricular routines when possible, having familiar snacks, meals, or toys available in both homes, having a predictable schedule for transitions between homes, or making sure your child knows when they will see each parent next.
Stability can also come from something less tangible.
Your child may need to know:
I’m still loved.
This isn’t my fault.
I don’t have to fix this.
I don’t have to choose between my parents.
I can love both of my parents.
I can tell my parents how I feel.
The adults are going to take care of the adult problems.
Those messages can become an important source of stability when so much else feels uncertain.
And sometimes, stability means being honest about what you don’t know yet.
You may not have all the answers about where your child will live, what the schedule will ultimately look like, or what other changes may happen in the coming months.
You can say:
“I don’t know yet, but I’ll tell you when we know more.”
Your child doesn’t necessarily need every answer immediately. Sometimes knowing that an answer will come when it is available is enough to make uncertainty feel more manageable.
Keeping What You Can Predictable
Children often find transitions easier when they have some consistency around the things that matter most.
That doesn’t mean both parents need to have identical homes, routines, or parenting styles. Two households are inevitably going to be different.
What can be helpful is creating some predictability around the parts of your child’s life that can reasonably remain consistent.
That might include:
regular school and extracurricular routines
predictable meal and bedtime routines
a clear schedule for time spent with each parent
consistent expectations around homework and responsibilities
knowing where they will be and when
maintaining important relationships and activities when possible, including relationships with grandparents, friends, childcare providers, aunts, uncles, and cousins
You don’t have to create a perfect schedule. You may not even be able to maintain every routine your child had before the divorce.
The goal is to create as much predictability as reasonably possible so your child doesn’t spend too much of their energy wondering what’s going to happen next.
And when plans do change, communicating those changes clearly and in advance whenever possible can help your child adjust.
Giving Your Child Space to Have Difficult Feelings
You likely want to protect your child from the pain of divorce as much as possible.
You may find yourself wanting to immediately reassure them that everything’s going to be okay, or you may worry that talking too much about a difficult feeling will make it bigger.
It can be tempting to try to make difficult feelings go away.
But sometimes reassurance comes too quickly.
Instead of acknowledging a hard change and the feelings your child has about it, you might say:
“It’s just one day apart. I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“You’ll see your friends another time. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“You’ll still get to see both of us.”
“It’s just a different schedule. You’re still doing fun things.”
“You’re lucky because you have two houses now!”
“You’ll get used to it!”
These things may be said with the best intentions. You may be trying to help your child feel better.
Sometimes reassurance is appropriate. But first your child may need room to have feelings that you can’t immediately fix.
You can say:
“I can understand why that feels hard.”
Or:
“It makes sense that you’re feeling confused.”
Or simply:
“You can always talk to me about how you’re feeling.”
The goal isn’t to make every difficult feeling disappear.
Your child may be sad about going between homes. They may be angry about a change in their schedule. They may miss the way things used to be. They may feel jealous, confused, relieved, worried, or all of those things at different times.
You don’t have to have the perfect answer.
Sometimes listening is more helpful than trying to make the feeling disappear. And some reassurance, if needed, can come after you’ve sat with their difficult emotions.
Your Child Isn’t Responsible for Your Feelings
Divorce is painful for parents, too.
You may be grieving the life you expected to have. You may be angry about how the relationship ended. You may be worried about finances, housing, custody, or what the future will look like.
You don’t have to hide all of those feelings from your child.
Your child may tell you they miss the way things used to be. You may miss those things, too.
You may have a day—or even a week—when you have a lot on your mind because of the divorce.
You can acknowledge this with your child in an honest, age-appropriate way.
That might sound like:
“I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to all of these changes, too.”
There’s an important difference between letting your child see that you have emotions and making your child responsible for those emotions.
Sharing your emotions with your child—and leaving space for theirs—is not the same as allowing your child to become the person who comforts you, manages your emotions, or worries about whether they are making you more upset.
A child may begin to think:
“Mom’s sad. I need to make her feel better.”
Or:
“Dad gets angry when I talk about Mom. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him that I had fun at her house.”
Or:
“I need to be really good so my parent doesn’t have more to worry about.”
You can feel a pang of jealousy when your child says they had fun with their other parent and still let them know you’re glad they had a good time.
You can also have a bad day, where you’re frustrated, tired, or distracted, and acknowledge this with your child as you continue to show up for them in the ways they expect—making breakfast, taking them to school, helping with homework, or simply being present with them.
And if you’re unable to show up for them directly or need some extra time for yourself, you can clearly communicate who will be taking care of them in your place.
Children, especially older children, also need to know that the adults in their lives have support beyond them. That might mean talking with friends, family members, a therapist, or other trusted adults about what you’re going through.
Your child doesn’t need you to be unaffected by the divorce.
They need to know that you can have difficult feelings and still be the adult who takes care of them.
Protecting Your Child From Being Caught in the Middle
One of the most important things you can do during and after a divorce is protect your child from becoming part of the conflict between parents.
That can be difficult, particularly when communication between parents is already strained.
Try not to use your child as a messenger:
“Tell your father that he needs to…”
Or:
“Ask your mother why she hasn’t…”
Your child also isn’t responsible for carrying information about schedules, finances, custody disagreements, or other adult problems between households.
It can also be difficult when your child comes home talking about something that happened at the other parent’s house.
You may feel curious.
You may feel angry.
You may want to know exactly what happened.
But repeatedly questioning your child about the other parent can unintentionally put them in a position where they feel like they have to report back.
Your child needs to be able to have a relationship with each parent without feeling like they’re betraying the other one.
That doesn’t mean you have to ignore something concerning that your child tells you. It means paying attention to the difference between listening to your child and asking your child to become your source of information about the other parent.
Being Honest Without Sharing Adult Details
Protecting your child from adult conflict doesn’t mean pretending the divorce isn’t difficult.
Children often know when something is wrong.
They may notice that you’re sad or frustrated. They may know you and your former partner are having difficulty communicating. They may have questions about why you’re no longer living together.
You can be honest without giving them information they aren’t developmentally ready to carry.
You might say:
“Your dad and I have been having problems in our relationship, and we’ve decided that we don’t want to live together anymore. This is an adult decision, and it isn’t because of anything you did.”
You can answer questions honestly while keeping the details age-appropriate.
Your child may ask why you’re getting divorced.
You don’t need to give them the full history of your relationship.
You can give them enough information to understand what’s happening without asking them to understand, evaluate, or judge the adult relationship.
You might say:
“Your mom and I feel that we can no longer be married. We agree that this is the best thing for us to do. We’ll always love you and we’ll always take care of you. We’re both still your parents. That will never change.”
Children often have questions about where they’ll live, whether they’ll have to move, how often they’ll see each parent, and whether their parents will still love them.
You don’t have to answer every question perfectly. And sometimes the most honest answer is simply:
“I don’t know yet, but I’ll tell you when we know more.”
You can give your child information without giving them responsibility for understanding the adult situation.
Allowing Your Child to Love Both Parents
When both parents are safe and able to care for their child, maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents can be an important source of stability.
This can be emotionally complicated for everyone.
Your child may feel guilty about missing one parent while they are with the other.
They may feel uncomfortable talking about having fun with one parent because they’re worried about how the other parent will react.
They may even feel like they have to choose.
You can help by making it clear that they don’t have to.
Your child is allowed to miss their other parent.
They’re allowed to be excited to see them.
They’re allowed to have fun at their other parent’s house.
They’re allowed to be angry with a parent.
And they’re allowed to love both of you.
This can be particularly difficult when you’re angry or hurt by your former partner.
You may find yourself feeling threatened when your child talks enthusiastically about time spent with their other parent. You may feel a desire to remind your child of the things that have gone wrong, point out why you’re angry, or even feel some satisfaction when your child is upset with the other parent.
Those feelings may be understandable.
But your child does not need to carry them.
If your child comes to you upset about something that happened with their other parent, you can listen to what they have to say without using the moment to reinforce your own feelings about that parent.
And if your child is angry with the other parent, you don’t necessarily have to encourage that anger simply because you share some of the same frustrations.
You can say:
“It sounds like you’re really upset with Mom right now.”
Or:
“I can understand why that would have been frustrating.”
You can validate your child’s experience without asking them to take a position in the larger conflict.
It’s also important to remember that supporting a child’s relationship with a parent doesn’t mean requiring them to have positive feelings about that parent.
A child can love a parent and be angry with them. They can miss a parent and still have concerns about something that happened. They can enjoy spending time with a parent while also needing an adult to take their concerns seriously.
There may even be times when you encourage your child to repair a relationship with their other parent even though you’re still angry with that parent.
That might mean encouraging your child to call their other parent, helping them think about what they want to say, or simply letting them know that it’s okay to love and miss that parent.
Doing this doesn’t mean that you’re minimizing your own experience.
It means recognizing that your child’s relationship with their parent is not the same as your relationship with your former partner.
Supporting your child’s relationship with the other parent doesn’t mean you have to approve of everything the other parent does or agree with how they parent.
It means recognizing that, when the relationship is safe, your child shouldn’t have to choose between the people they love in order to remain loyal to you.
Of course, this assumes that both parents are safe and able to care for the child. When there is abuse, neglect, or another serious safety concern, the priority is your child’s safety, and the appropriate professional and legal response may look very different.
Creating Structure When Co-Parenting Is Difficult
The advice to “just co-parent” can feel frustrating when communication between two parents is already difficult.
You don’t have to become friends with your former partner.
You may not even be able to communicate particularly well with each other right away.
The goal is to find ways to make parenting decisions without requiring your child to manage the relationship between the two of you.
For some families, that may mean working toward more collaborative co-parenting. For others, it may mean creating more structure around communication and transitions so that there’s less opportunity for conflict.
The important question isn’t necessarily:
“How can we become friends for the sake of our child?”
It may be more useful to ask:
“How can we create a parenting environment in which our child doesn’t have to carry the conflict between us?”
That can mean communicating directly rather than through your child, keeping conversations focused on parenting decisions, establishing predictable routines, and finding ways to resolve disagreements without involving your child.
You may not be able to eliminate conflict between you and your former partner.
But you can work toward reducing your child’s exposure to it.
Paying Attention to How Your Child Is Adjusting
Some children show their distress very clearly.
Others don’t.
Some may talk openly about their feelings. Others may need more time before they know what they’re feeling or feel ready to talk about it.
Children process major changes differently, and it can be helpful to keep that in mind as you support your child through divorce.
What matters is the overall picture.
Is your child able to continue participating in their life?
Are they able to express their feelings or ask for support in an age-appropriate way?
Are changes in their mood or behavior temporary and gradually improving, or are they becoming more intense or persistent?
You don’t need to monitor every mood change or interpret every difficult day as a sign that your child is being harmed by the divorce.
At the same time, it’s helpful to pay attention when something seems different from your child’s usual behavior or when changes are persistent or begin interfering with their everyday life.
Knowing When Additional Support May Be Helpful
Not every child who struggles during a divorce needs individual therapy.
Some children need time, support from their parents, and the opportunity to adjust to the changes in their family.
But sometimes additional support can be helpful.
You might consider reaching out to your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or a therapist who works with children if you notice significant or persistent changes such as:
ongoing anxiety or sadness
significant changes in sleep or appetite
withdrawal from friends or activities
becoming unusally preoccupied with being away from home
persistent behavioral changes
difficulty concentrating or changes in school functioning
frequent physical complaints without an obvious medical explanation
intense guilt or a belief that they caused the divorce
feeling responsible for one or both parents’ emotional wellbeing
significant difficulty transitioning between homes
distress that seems to be interfering with your child’s everyday life
These signs don’t necessarily mean that your child needs therapy.
Children respond to divorce differently, and some changes may be temporary as they adjust.
At the same time, you don’t have to wait until your child is significantly struggling before you begin thinking about what kind of support might be helpful.
Sometimes that support may be for your child.
Sometimes it may be for you as the parent.
And sometimes it may involve both.
The important thing is to consider what your child is experiencing, what you’re experiencing as a parent, and what kind of support would actually be appropriate for your family.
When Divorce Involves Significant Conflict or Safety Concerns
Some divorces involve considerably more than the emotional difficulty of a relationship ending.
There may be ongoing, high-conflict custody disputes, repeated litigation, significant disagreements about parenting, or circumstances in which a child is repeatedly exposed to conflict between their parents.
In some situations, a child may be encouraged or referred to therapy as part of a broader effort to support their wellbeing.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that your child has a mental health disorder. Therapy can provide an age-appropriate place for a child to process what’s happening without feeling responsible for either parent’s emotions or being asked to take sides.
If an attorney, judge, attorney for the child, or another professional involved in a custody matter recommends that your child receive therapy, it can be helpful to understand why therapy is being recommended and what role the therapist is expected to play.
There are also circumstances in which concerns about a child’s safety require a very different response.
If there are concerns about physical abuse, sexual abuse, serious neglect, or another situation in which a child’s safety may be at risk, professional support should not be viewed simply as a way to help a child “adjust to divorce.”
The priority in these situations is your child’s safety and wellbeing.
Depending on the circumstances, medical, mental health, legal, and child-protection professionals may need to be involved.
If you’re concerned about your child’s safety, it’s important to seek appropriate professional guidance rather than assuming that the usual advice about co-parenting or maintaining relationships with both parents applies.
Supporting Your Child by Supporting Yourself
Divorce can leave you focused almost entirely on how your child is doing.
You may find yourself monitoring their mood, worrying about whether you’re saying the right thing, and trying to anticipate how every decision might affect them.
In the process, it can become easy to overlook the fact that you’re going through something difficult, too.
Supporting your child doesn’t mean putting your own emotional needs aside. In fact, children benefit from parents who have support for themselves as well.
Parenting during a divorce can leave you questioning almost everything:
“Am I saying the right thing?”
“Am I being too permissive?”
“Should I push my child to talk about it?”
“Should I tell them more?”
“What if they’re angry with me?”
“How do I handle what my ex is doing?”
“How do I support my child when I’m struggling, too?”
Therapy can provide a place to work through your own emotions while also thinking carefully about how you want to show up as a parent.
You don’t need to be perfectly calm, perfectly regulated, or completely certain about what to do.
You may simply need a place where you can process what you’re experiencing and think through how to respond to your child in a way that’s consistent with the parent you want to be.
And sometimes, supporting yourself is one way of supporting your child.
Parent-focused therapy can provide a space to work through your own emotional experience while also navigating the changing needs of your children.
It can give you room to process grief, anger, anxiety, guilt, or uncertainty while thinking through how you want to communicate with your child, respond to difficult moments, and navigate the challenges of parenting alongside a former partner.
Divorce is a significant transition for the entire family, and parents can benefit from having their own space to process what they’re experiencing and think intentionally about how to move forward.
If your child is also showing signs they may benefit from individual support, that’s a separate question.
Your child’s pediatrician, school counselor, or your own therapist may be able to help you think through whether therapy may be appropriate and, if so, what kind of therapist might be a good fit for your child.
Stability Doesn’t Mean That Nothing Changes
You can’t control every part of how your child experiences your divorce.
You can’t prevent them from having difficult feelings, and you can’t make the transition completely predictable.
What you can do is give them something to return to: parents who continue to show up, routines they can rely on, room to have complicated feelings, and the reassurance that they don’t have to take care of the adults around them.
Sometimes, creating that stability starts with getting support for yourself.
You don’t have to figure out how to navigate every part of divorce and parenting on your own.
